why does watching films bring me joy?
November 5, 2009 
On the way to revolutionizing my thought process, today I set my hands on a clean new book: Cinema Studies, The Key Concepts by Susan Hayward and I feel absolutely thrilled, excited and bursts of joy! and I seriously wonder why. I wonder if I am even good enough for this media/cinema thingy thing. I wonder if I would be able to make it. It makes me happy to watch films (at least 2 a week!), even though sometimes I fall asleep because I am just too tired. Similarly, I tune into Bond (the string quartet) and I feel almost surreal and great passion rising. when I hear bands play now, I wonder how the violin actually fits into the music arrangements. and it plays in my head. And even more similarly, I tune in to a friend’s list of composed songs and cover of indie-like songs and feel great inspiration growing in this heart- words like poetry flows freely through my mind…. and I miss my guitar at home.
all of this gives me great happiness, just like baking a three-layered chocolate cake and decorating it with rainbow sparkles. but its one thing to like it for a hobby and another thing to make it great passion. Its obvious to note that doing linear programming does not bring me joy, and I cannot speak about excel like how a friend of mine can, as he describes the different functions and secret stuff, with that glee on his face and sparkle in his eyes- I know Microsoft excel, programming and this managerial economics thing is actually not for me. which is depressing. but at the same time, still exploring- I am tired of being typical singaporean: accountant, economics, banking, finance and all the practical stuff. (not saying that its bad, friends!- some people have real passion, I know! (: ) let me do something fun and make it my passion. and this is not going to be easy, I know this discovering of self is a tiring road to go down and requires all the effort and hardwork that I need to put in. I am not looking for some natural talent that’s hidden in me, well if there is, then what bonus! if not, I know how much hardwork it’ll take me. please dont look at me like I am crazy, insane. because certain words that someone once said to me still haunts me. and standing at the crossroads now, her words still resound in me, and I wonder if its even legit to dream. today I break alittle free from her words- half wondering if it’s wrong to venture out of this ‘wisdom’ thats been shared with me, and wondering and reconsidering if its wisdom to begin with. today I tell myself, whatever it is, I must be brave, and I must pray and read God’s word considering it for myself.
I wonder if all of this is up in the air dreaming. As well as my other dreams that float around in my head. I need something to ground me because I dont know if I am good enough. and right now I think I am just mere mundane and ordinary and I am not good enough, never will be, I think. And I am still on my way to finding myself.
back to the drawing board once again of prayer and constantly asking: so where does God fit in?
cos I know, all I want really is to be part of His will.
whatever else I do, well, let that be pleasing only to Him.
Perseverance in Prayer.
October 27, 2009 
I am alot clueless; and well, sometimes decisions like these have to be made on my own. Too often, far too often, I’ve consulted a million people and received like a million advices, and sometimes (not often though) even lived my life for something else going with the wind and going with the crowd.
but this time, I’m defying gravity.
I am defying gravity. I need to pray and I need to pray and I need to pray. and this perseverance in prayer started yesterday! prayer is refreshing when I have silent hope and confidence in knowing that I pray to a God who is 1) good 2) faithful to answer. :] so pray with me, that I would continue to come before my God presenting my humble requests with all the bunch of confusions and sorting out my decision-making processes before the throne of the Most High. no where else will I go, only to the Throne, only to the throne I’d go.
& for once, for once in a long time, I have amazing courage to just let go, to just hold on to the possibilities of great dreams, to just let God be God, and though I am really not sure where I am going, fear does not line this heart, only great faith and hope. Only confidence rooted in who God is, which defines who I am. and for a long while, though things are not going as wonderfully well as I want it to be, and I struggle in my heart to just set persepectives right, I feel immense peace in knowing that God is in control.
& I will not be moved or shaken.
this heart, is not just about willing to give in to those lies.
pray with me.
Coffeemaker
October 24, 2009 
How would you say in the most exciting of ways: I’d like to sincerely know you with all my heart, I want to grow a good healthy friendship with you, I want to know you though it might be hard sometimes, I want to be your friend, & be there when you need me. I want to hear about your life stories. I have a pair of hands that make relatively good baking goodies. Come over to Nourse 211A to have coffee/tea, cakes, brownies and yummy baking goodies with me. Because I have a coffeemaker, now :] & I hope you love african starbucks fairtrade coffee like I do. If not we can have something else, but please come by, please do. I want to talk to you. :]
I’d like to believe my heart is made of steel.
At this moment a myraid of emotions fills my knotted stomach and I feel nauseous- though having eaten nothing at all. wondering what are the best words to express my inner torment.
one of those days.
No not emo, just depressed. most apt word to describe current emotional state. for when the word “emo” has yet to exist. i think depressed captures accurately my emotions with much clarity. for the depressed state that I am in, I slightly detest myself and nothing at this moment i think would make me feel better. I need to dwell in it abit then slap myself and tell myself, oh what a waste of time. and then its those days when I desire to go on abc.com and just delve into online shows and guess what I realize private practice is showing tonight, meaning this week’s episode is not online yet: causing me to sink in to greater depression. I think I need to go take a nap to refresh myself, I at the same time occasionally wish in moments like these that there was someone to slap me and tell me: hold it together. you can do this. I know I will eventually do that for myself, but now I just feel so disabled and needing someone to hold me, you do not need to have to understand. and even for this needing of someone to hold me: I detest myself for this need.
I know, I must defy myself, I must take every thought captive to Christ.
its not end of the world yet, dont misunderstand. I dont think its the end of the world yet for me (I am not that dramatic). its just… …. I know I need to get a grip. maybe sleeping.
On being 20.
I reflected on being 20: looking back, dwelling upon the current and looking ahead with God in mind. and then God showed me this psalm:
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Interestingly we talked about the last 2 verses in church the past sunday. The psalm speaks of God’s everlasting faithfulness, His presence in every season of life, His omniscience, His power and might. As I look back upon the 20 years of my life I think about how far God has brought me. and I look at the current state of affairs and He has shown me how immensely He has blessed me. but most of all, I look forward into the future confident that He is with me. Great is such a God- He knows me better than I know myself and He knew my name before my parents conceived me. That brings me greatest assurance as I trudge ahead transition from my teenage years onto unchartered ground. He is with me.
thank you all for making 6oct2009 extra extra special. :] cos’ though I dont need to be reminded that I’m loved, I know today just like every other day: I’m loved beyond measure.
I write as I transition.
20.
I dont want big parties, noise and excessive people coming up to wish me “OHHHHH. HAPPYBIRTHDAY!”. No, I wont be offended if you forget. No, no longer. Well, its called transitioning from the teen years. I just want to snuggle up with a good read in hand in my bed or at a abandoned coffee shop with coffee in the other hand or in solitude reflecting upon the magnificence of God’s word. That’s all I want to do come 6 october 2009. and that is the best birthday present I would ever give myself.
If I were home: I would hang out with a few friends, yes abandoned coffee shop again, or big grass patch- stargazing, laughing at good times, whipping out our faithful quotebook or a photo album reminscing. there is nothing like celebrating another year with a bunch of good friends. Well, or that pseudo early birthday “party” the JC team had for me. Just us, sharing prayer requests, over a good home-cooked meal and ailing’s home-made cheesecake. & praying, exhorting and encouraging each other. That’s all I need: people looking back with me, seeing how I’ve grown and taking my hand and telling me they’d walk the remaining journey with me, being there to remind me constantly of God’s goodness if or when I forget. or perhaps, a good hug from my 2 younger sisters, one of those “I LOVE DAJIE” cards and family dinner would suffice. No grand parties, for goodness sake. I’m no longer a teenager and noise has become quite a bother to me now.
its the 20th year of my existence, and I am grateful to many who have influenced, shaped, molded me to who I am today, but most of all grateful wouldn’t be a sufficient word to express thankfulness to God who saved me, loved me and given me much more than I can imagine.
6th October: It’s all about you- God to whom I owe my complete being to, my parents who conceived me and love me unconditionally, my sisters (B& I) who make family life a tad more excitingggggg all the time, all you lovely people who I affectionately call: friends or sisters. I am blessed, I know that every day, I dont need an additional ’special’ day to remind me of that.
Well, today is hardly about me!
I am going to get this.
My perseverance is THIS great:
I am going to practice spanish: written and verbal until I vomit blood and die. I am going to see the world in spanish terms. and I will GET THIS LANGUAGE thing RIGHT, even if it kills me in the process. Spanish: you’re conquered.
How can I ever express this exasperation for languages! I’m not good at it, but does that mean I give up and run away? (rawrrrr, inside out).
essay-writing
I am neurotic about editing essays. Perfectionist in me speaks louder than I can control. sigh why oh why. I tread delicately between the boundaries of when to rein control and when to let go. its applicable to actually, surprisingly every aspect of my life, and as I delve into the immensity of thoughts, I wonder if there is really this delicate balance that I can achieve.
think happy thoughts: I finished a film history essay and I am becoming one step closer to being a film-person.
