today, I found myself thanking God immensely for the people He has placed in my life. :] and home, where I can be comfortable, honest, wacky and crazy with these people: I can be, myself. which is comforting. I sat at SMU while waiting for dinner with carol and sueann and after a long day’s walk with the favorite people: liz, mel & shu and then whipped out my book: “A Mess Worth Making: Relationships” and read in the amazingly air-con vicinity. I thought about the people God has placed in my life. and I am amazed. so much I want to say about these wonderful people God has given… and I will write them all down bit by bit because you yes you; who’s part and parcel of my life, you’re precious to me. :]

and yet at the same time, after reading the book, I asked myself some of the hardest questions which I’d still need to resolve and pray about. but nevertheless, for the abundant friendships of different kinds that God has provided at different seasons of life, I am eternally grateful. Mine’s a good God :]

for the most part of my alone time today, I tried tirelessly-

The affair with the longkang:

I felt that the affectionate longkang near my house today challenged me and my perseverance. I went running. initially glad that I even stepped out of the house because my thigh muscles were aching. but then, fatigue set in and I felt like my legs were going to give way half way along the run. I was running along the longkang and it was nostalgic: remembering the times when I fought it out with those long runs up and down, sweating buckets but still going on. It felt like the longkang in all its entity was cheering me on, just to go the extra lap or keep that increased pace. The longkang is so affectionate because it accompanied me on the days I had lonely runs (because my longkang running partner, you know who you are, was either too busy or was away at hostel), it was beside me: good and bad. the times when I went running because I was angry and upset. and the run meant running tears mixed with sweat so that no one could tell. the times when I went running because I was happy and glad. and the run meant laughing to self because the speakers whose sermons I was tuning in to on my ipod, were real funny (but absolutely godly, of course). The longkang, saw it all. and it was by my side all the way. but today, was a trying run. disappointed and disgusted by my stamina, tsk. it was terrible. and I felt like the longkang was mocking me all the way. used to be able to do those endless 10k but now, only managing half at a slower pace. and I can blame it on everything: the weather, the stinky longkang etc. the longkang mocked me and my perseverance as I struggled silently. and I wondered if it was a lack of perseverance that I stopped. I struggled, really hard. & then I told myself: mock or no mock- perseverance is the way to go, so tomorrow, let’s try again- its me and and longkang and my trusty aasics (only way aasics!) and ipod, jade. we’d tackle like there’s no tomorrow.

my swiss rolls:

I threw away 3 swiss rolls today. yes, so much for baking extravaganza. and now, wee hours of the morning. I am tired. having baked 2 unsuccessful swiss roll- I know I shouldn’t be such of a perfectionist. but no, this is baking and I have to get it right once and for all. My first was too hard, my second was half-baked and my third, was almost perfect, but not, too moist. I took my last swiss roll, tasted it, looked and examined what went wrong and threw it into the bin telling myself: tomorrow, let’s try again. even if it means no sleep and sticking it out. I will master this recipe. it has been most challenging ever since, and I’m not about to give up- though I am so very tired. I am tired.

my thoughts:

and for the most part today, I also struggled with my thoughts. I missed some people and thought about others. I missed but wondered if I should tell that I did miss you. maybe keeping inside of me would be better. but I did miss. & then having a crazy attack of threatened emotions that almost killed me when all I could think of is running away (I do best.) & wondering when this battle would be over, and realizing that it would not, till I get to the cross and surrender. and even in surrender, I am surrendering my response, my right, my everything- and not that the emotions would instantly disappear. they wont, I am so sure. but I am considering also what it meant to count everything as loss as compared to the surpassing knowledge of knowing Christ. surely, that is better, even if it does not currently seem so. I’m tired of fighting this thoughts. so tired. immensely tired. thought about the perfect people I could talk to regarding this, but sighhhhhhh. I think it means another coffee/lunch/dinner break with close ones who’d hear me and pray with me.

& I tell myself, tomorrow, would continue to be a day of battle like today, but all I want is You to keep me pure.

I can take the car out at wee hours of the morning and eat breakfast with 2 of my most favorite people in the world, at Jln Kayu :] and driving along that familiar road to pick them up at hougang. at your house, reminiscing all the times we spent the last time i was back: chompchomp, exploring and getting lost in sengkang?, SR prayer meetings and whatnots. the extent of how much I missed them came flooding back. I especially know I am home when their voice rings so true in my ears. just hearing them talk, makes me smile! and AL in all her auntyness and her I BAKE SWISS ROLL YOU MUST EAT THOUGH ITS NOT THAT FLUFFY AND ITS EGGY. and lyd, just whacking me randomly cos I am suaning her about the new necklace she’s wearing. and them just hearing them talk about ministry, possibilities and the exciting month of december: reminds me, I’m home, truly home. they are part and parcel of what makes home, home. and that I am still roped in with this ministry stuff and I still have opportunities I can serve and people I can talk to. and to know that AL is coming to visit next semester is like (yayness times alot)

this is home. and for the many moment since I’m home and I’ve felt surreal, and I’ve felt out of place and I’ve felt that I am not ready to be home, yet. They make me feel, at home. and for many other grateful encounters through sms and talking to others on phone, msn, facebook, skype- that screams in my face: YOU’RE HOME. I’m so grateful. and of the many moments that I think that I might not want to come home next winter break, or that I am coping well with all the homesickness and being away, or convincing my brain that I actually didnt quite miss home- now, I realized how much I’ve missed home and how much of the world I’ve seen, but nothing could ever replace these people: that make home, home.

For the ungrateful thoughts I’ve had about home, and for thoughts that reflect a myriad of question and doubt: God, please forgive me. & from the depths of my heart and in utter gratitude: God, thank you.

this is why I love driving to NUS and having good long talks:

²⁰I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

talking with you is amazing because it reminds me of how God has been gracious to us, and how good God has been to me. & how we’d laugh heartily at the things we say. especially how you say you’d resort to sympathy, but I know you’d be lying and crying those pathetic crocodile tears. (hahaha) so to you, to us, to what God has done: kudos&cheers. I cannot be more grateful for what God has done for us. individually & together in this friendship. sister, you have taught me so much and will continue too, because I know you want to walk closely with our Heavenly Father, so just as it is a prayer in my heart, and so it is in yours:  let us pray together and not lift our souls up to each other and may this friendship reflect Christ and Him in all His immense glory.

you are a treasure.
and I thank God everytime I remember you.
(which, by the way is often).

1) family: you know its not always the case that you say very much to these kinsmen (&women), but they mean everything. and it means everything to me when my dad tells me: “your sister says welcome home, she was sleepy so she went to bed, she wants me to tell you that she got 1st for one of her sailing races over the past weekend”. instant smile. amazing. only when I’m home do i get this full effect of family love. and even small gestures like willingly lending me the car, with no qualms. “can I borrow the car tmr morning for breakfast?” “Yah, what time do you need it?”. and for just being family, cos there really isn’t anything that could replace this.

2) the girlfriends: you know that seeing them and having being able to just hold them in your arms- that just brings great joy. and a stayover, talking about silly boys and watching 500 days of summer (shuhua, I know what you are going to say about this… but stop!- teeheehee) and just nuaing or having a conversation over supper. and sharing a bus ride, my first bus ride after returning home, and talking about: life, love and everything else. it was like as if nothing really changed since I left. it is THIS amazing. :] and then steph, having to skype her from home and tell her: QUICK COME BACK is also amazing (see you are not forgotten,steph!) and just receiving sms-es from familiar names appearing on my phone. ahhh, even that makes me smile. even when I get to hear you say: “am excited to see you!” cos my heart leaps with joy and I say: “DITTO!”. so this is what they say about love amongst friends: great. not all the time perfect, but awesome, but worth-it, but lovely. and all that let’s meet for high-tea, dinner, all-girls night out stuff, and all the fun stuff we’d do! I think, friendship with girls are awesome! much better than with the guys- i know, complicated occasionally, but worth all that fighting, working out and difficult moments. you are worth it, y’know?

3) full-stocked kitchen all ready to get my hands dirty to bake! greatest thing i am thankful for: MIXER. now I dont need to beat my batter like there’s no tomorrow. all the ingredients i need, the mother, has provided! :] and graciously given me to use. yay! baking goods to make people happy. and dorie greenspan cookbook is at home with me :] so yayyyyyyyyy. baking brings therapy.

4) ok, and then the guys: who bring a teeny bit of laughter and comic to my life. I know thanks for making me smile with all your rubbish antics. and the promises to go out and jam and whatnots. :]

5) THE CAR. the car, is of great significance. it warrants long drives to the other side of the world. and these long drives with loud blasting music, brings therapy to this much needed soul. I need to take those long drives alone, which is nice. cos I get to escape into my little world and blast music :] that makes me happy, even if its for a while.

6) familiar places. it brings great comfort. familiar people. people that pledge they’d be there, are still here. people that would listen, talk, hug, comfort, encourage. they’re still here. they’ve always been. but now I just get to feel their presence abit more, hug them and tell them i’ve missed them a ton, and be there for them, even if it only means holding their hand and listening. :]

7) the guitar. needless to say.

8 ) my bed. my bed- my queen-sized comfy bed. :] nothing feels better than this. really and the smell of my room. and everything STILL intact, though I know that there have been many people in my room when I was away. :]

9) glorious food. :]

10) the heat. ok I might occasionally complain about the weather. but it’s what makes singapore singapore, to a certain extent. so the very fact that I feel the heat beating down my head as I take an afternoon run- that is treatment for this soul that needs refreshing. :] ahhhhhh, heat, for the moment till I get sick of you: I love you.

So i just wrote like there’s no tomorrow for my film final today. my hand hurts. so I want to be reflective and think about my bunch of friends back home: cos I am coming home :] so you know how shared experiences bring people together. and steph shared this youtube on facebook with us rendering the speech and drama times. for  a moment, those memories were going to bring tears as I glanced sideways to the SAMS photos on my wall: I miss you guys, truly. because there would never be someone or groups of people that could ever replace the memories that we shared. it was an amazing time, and all I can say is: I’m going to look forward to amazing times to come. I’d love to create many more memories and good times, and the bad, cos the bad times just makes this friendship more worthwhile as we tide the storm.

for the bunch of girls i love with my wholeheart cos they understand:

you know when i said I knew little about love that wasn’t true. I know about love, i’ve seen it seen centuries and centuries of it. Its the only thing that made watching your world bearable with all those wars. The pain and lies and hate made me turn away and never look down again but to see the way that mankind loves, you can search the furthest universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional but I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable, strangely easy to mistake from loathing and what I am trying to say tristan is I think i love you, my heart it feels like my chest can barely contain it like it doesn’t belong to me anymore. It belongs to you and if you wanted, I wish for nothing in exchange, no gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion, nothing but knowing that you love me too, just your heart in exchange for mine.

-Stardust.

i love you.
and I would tell you everyday, if you forget.

Everything could change.
or maybe, it won’t.
or maybe, we’d move forward, after all.

Oh, Can’t You See

Move a step away from me
you’re breathing me down too much
cant you see I love you a plenty
maybe, perhaps, a little too much

How can I find the words to tell you
that a little too much of this
breeds, ignites negativity in me
can’t you see, can’t you see… me.

Of pairs of  hearts united, tied in as one.
I seek, I desire, the same for us
oh but I’m keeping my head above the waters
struggling to understand: you , me, us.

Can’t you see, I’d give everything to make you realize
all that you mean to me
Can’t you see, I’d give everything to push you forward
Can’t you see, all I’d give, all I’d give for you.

So, take a little step back, do a little twirl
then return, run back and tell me
look me in the eye and say:

I can see you, me, us
And this is all I’d give, this is all I’d give for
us.

all I need now is to go home to my guitar.

Of emotions:

Sometimes, all I need is to do a little prying around when I am in this volatile emotional state and it immediately sets of certain alarm bells in my mind. I can feel it coming and recognize those emotions, oh so well. it’s coming, its coming, and I hope I dont mess up taking every emotion captive to Christ.

i feel it, it’s coming.

& this week, its just been difficult dealing with raging emotions and having everything crash on me. I think I am more sane now, now that my mac has crashed on me at least thrice when I had to write a paper and do a presentation. this time, it has never failed to crash again. I am nonchalant about all the information that I am potentially losing. just spiffed that I need to get work done, and it’s just more troublesome and difficult without having a mac at my beck and call. oh wells, I knew God was teaching me to be patient when I impatiently restarted my computer as it was conducting some update thing, just because I had pressing work to do. I should have been more patient! I’m learning to deal with it, by taking the trouble to stay extra hours in the library to watch the assigned film, to cut extra clips from the presentation film, to write a paper… instead of wasting time moping over something that cannot be changed by moping.

Of random strangers:

Besides being in this highly sensitive mood due to stress (yo estoy muy estresado) last night I had a stranger scream at me: “ARE YOU JUDGING ME” (stranger, albeit was really drunk) and I was stunned. perhaps she thought I had thoughts floating around my head regarding the fact that I saw her exit a certain guy’s room in nothing but a sweatshirt. I am not angry that she did that, but just disappointed with myself that despite seeing her in the toilet for the second time in the morning (she screamed at me at night), I didnt ask for her name. I didnt make a friend. I could have. while other people thought that she was really weird as I related the story, I saw glorious opportunities to the entrance of someone’s life… she must have had some reason why she exclaimed that whole judgmental situation loudly. but sad, I didnt stretch out my hand and say: ” hi my name is Abigail, what’s yours?” well, the next time she comes around, I’ve made a mental note to remember to ask for her name and then make a friend, and then, it perhaps could be an entry into a beautiful friendship, or not. but I’d leave that to God. but first, I need to extend my hand, and next time, I will. I hope I meet you again.

Of acapella groups and lovely songs:

besides attending an awesome concert by Knightingales and a guest performance by Maclister’s premier all-men acapella group. and besides gushing over a certain winsome acapella guy (who can sing, and has a good sense of humor) , is the renewed love for The Weepies, I gotta have you:

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
Itry to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I’m taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I’ve gotta have you, I’ve gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there’s no spring in the middle this year
I’m the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won’t be warm till I’m lying in your arms

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune…

Of many thoughts:

so does close proximity cloud my view of how I see the situation? maybe I’ve misread, misunderstood, am deluded, blurred the lines of discernment, and failed to clearly understand. Well, I really dont know, so all I can do is, pray. pray. pray. I will pray. and pray that close proximity would not discount discernment, affection would not lead to misunderstanding and love would be pure. Cos’, really if God is most important, what would losing or rather letting go of something so precious mean- if He meant it for my own good? sure, easy to say, and heartache and heartbreak, perhaps crying would come along, but what would that compare to the surpassing knowledge of knowing Christ, or loving God better. so let heartache come, if it necessary. let it come, I dare not choose the worldly state that I would be in, let me let God be God.

of late nights:

4ams are the most beautiful times to walk around the campus. peaceful, quiet, and stars as perfect company. I am in severe lack of sleep. I will survive this treacherous week. just one more week to go, of pain, of tired eyes, of eye bags, of at least 3 cups of coffee per day. I am almost there.