On the way to revolutionizing my thought process, today I set my hands on a clean new book:  Cinema Studies, The Key Concepts by Susan Hayward and I feel absolutely thrilled, excited and bursts of joy! and I seriously wonder why. I wonder if I am even good enough for this media/cinema thingy thing. I wonder if I  would be able to make it. It makes me happy to watch films (at least 2 a week!), even though sometimes I fall asleep because I am just too tired. Similarly, I tune into Bond (the string quartet) and I feel almost surreal and great passion rising. when I hear bands play now, I wonder how the violin actually fits into the music arrangements. and it plays in my head. And even more similarly, I tune in to a friend’s list of composed songs and cover of indie-like songs and feel great inspiration growing in this heart- words like poetry flows freely through my mind…. and I miss my guitar at home.

all of this gives me great happiness, just like baking a three-layered chocolate cake and decorating it with rainbow sparkles. but its one thing to like it for a hobby and another thing to make it great passion. Its obvious to note that doing linear programming does not bring me joy, and I cannot speak about excel like how a friend of mine can, as he describes the different functions and secret stuff, with that glee on his face and sparkle in his eyes- I know Microsoft excel, programming and this managerial economics thing is actually not for me. which is depressing. but at the same time, still exploring- I am tired of being typical singaporean: accountant, economics, banking, finance and all the practical stuff. (not saying that its bad, friends!- some people have real passion, I know! (: )  let me do something fun and make it my passion. and this is not going to be easy, I know this discovering of self is a tiring road to go down and requires all the effort and hardwork that I need to put in. I am not looking for some natural talent that’s hidden in me, well if there is, then what bonus! if not, I know how much hardwork it’ll take me. please dont look at me like I am crazy, insane. because certain words that someone once said to me still haunts me. and standing at the crossroads now, her words still resound in me, and I wonder if its even legit to dream. today I break alittle free from her words- half wondering if it’s wrong to venture out of this ‘wisdom’ thats been shared with me, and wondering and reconsidering if its wisdom to begin with. today I tell myself, whatever it is, I must be brave, and I must pray and read God’s word considering it for myself.

I wonder if all of this is up in the air dreaming. As well as my other dreams that float around in my head. I need something to ground me because I dont know if I am good enough. and right now I think I am just mere mundane and ordinary and I am not good enough, never will be, I think. And I am still on my way to finding myself.

back to the drawing board once again of prayer and constantly asking: so where does God fit in?
cos I know, all I want really is to be part of His will.
whatever else I do, well, let that be pleasing only to Him.

Oh bummer, unfortunately not. we were not made to be alone. I sound crazily cynical in saying that I feel sad we were made to need people and be in their presence. and at present moment though aloneness seems to more positive, I find solitude in picking up that violin and playing and then reading God’s word and journaling, reminding self that well, these thoughts, should not actually be entertained. and are quite ridiculous, for a matter of fact.

what goes on in your brain, is actually quite powerful and would cause you to act and say things that you would never imagine with your whole heart that you would say. that’s rather destestful. we were made to be perfect and the longing for perfection in the New Earth has been great these few days. we were not made to be content with these relationships that are not even satisfiying at all. but yet, we, no I deceive myself to think that maybe some satisfaction could be derived from this. yes, some. but its not enough.

not enough.

bleh. In the violent coughing days that I live now, I look forward to perfection and struggle to deal with my many imperfections that counteract with other people’s imperfections. I spend hours thinking how to get it right and what God meant in relationships. I’m reading: “Relationship: A mess worth making”- by Paul Tripp. & all the time, as I flip the pages my heart hardens into cycnicism disbeliving that some other human would actually make a serious commitment to grow a close friendship with me. Only cos, I mess up too often, so I am clearly aware. I may be committed to work it all out, but would you? Would you be willing to work with another sinner like me? and deal with times when I mess up? I dont know about you, but I am willing to pick up the pieces of this beautiful mess we might create in going hand in hand into a committed friendship.

It’s truly really hard to look for friends who’d look you in the eye and tell you, I’ll stick it out with you. bleah.

people leave all the time. and that’s not pleasant.

with whatever little faith, presevere me and kill cynicism.

look me in the eye, tell me.

Strength. ok, I lied, I need black black black coffee too & lunch.
I am having black black black coffee and I had oreo for lunch.

and all I need now is to kill all my work and get it insanely done.

Dreaming: in the shower; is where i build my dreams. In the bedroom; is where i present my dreams, kneeling before His throne.- orangelovesabby on twitter 15 hours ago. (yes thats me.)

I am tired and sick. not the happiest person in the world, but in this heart there’s unspeakable joy that knows that this really isn’t the end of the world. well, these few days, I’ve spent time dreaming. and really re-thinking what I want to do with this life: dont misunderstand, I still want to stay in college. but well, in my mind I have conjured up the wildest plans- that if you know abigail through and through, she would not do that at all. because abigail is singaporean. but still, these dreams stay, and everyday I cant help but wonder why I had been so narrow minded and adamant about the future just 3 months ago. maybe now, things are changing, and I dont want to stand resolute and stubborn, I want to bend with the wind and the opportunities that might come my way, and continue to… well uhm, dream.

& I have a whirlwind of ideas. but I know I must go- go to that throne, bow and pray & pray & pray. and then hope, and realign, and be shaped and molded, until God’s dreams becomes mine. and if God’s and mine coincide, perfect & great, but if they dont. I pray with all my heart that I will not hold on so tightly to my dreams & hopes and that I would let go.

but for the moment, its back to the drawing board of praying and thinking and of seeking wisdom.

It’s rather exciting. and at age 20, I’ve never been excited and exhilarated by such dreams before. If you’d like to pray for me, tell me.. and I’ll share these splendid dreams with you. because I want to hear wisdom too. :]

so, for those back home:

I made smores. smores rocks! they make people happy. and making people happy makes me happy :]

well, everyone loves smores.

people enjoy my smores :]

they love it, really!

the lovely singaporean girls, that make life so much brighter in cold minnesota. (& kenneth too. but mich’s camera ran out of battery before we could take an all-singaporean shot)

(:

more photos, here.

we had really really yummy food. kudos to head chef, kenneth (:

Its swimming against the current.
Its going the right way and fighting sin.
Its so important that sometimes its painful
Its so great a struggle that tears flow uncontrollably
Its so hard that sometimes, I give into running away.

I know I am not alone in this and God walks with me all the way. But Sometimes, I give in to thoughts that it’s too hard and sometimes I give in to running away and being ambivalent. Sometimes I sit and wonder if there truly is a solution to all this. Sometimes I allow myself to detest myself for feeling this way, sometimes I feel so… helpless. defying self is difficult, dying to self is harder. because, sometimes- I dont want to.

and not wanting to is worst than not knowing how to.

I understand hope, I understand trust, I understand love. But I also understand sin. & sin tells me that the aforementioned is not worth all this defying and dying to self. oh,  these lies. In the New Earth, these struggles will no longer exist, and I would be able to love perfectly. And maybe you wonder why I “think so much” or “struggle so much”, I only do because doing what is right in God’s eyes matters. and because my self tells me that its ok to do what’s right in my own eyes, its a great tussle everyday. and this struggle is REAL & PALPABLE.

But my God and His grace is REAL & PALPABLE too.

& the defectives I see in my relationships with people just keeps me running back to God- because He never fails. so I believe, these defectives, though painful must exist, because it reminds me often enough of who God is. I look forward to the day when I no longer need defectives and the reality of sin to remind me of who God is, because, I would want with all my heart to know and love Him.

but for the moment, this pain, heartbreak & struggle that I endure, and undergo, is truly actually God’s amazing grace to me.
for in it, I see who God is, I draw comfort & I learn to let go.

I am alot clueless; and well, sometimes decisions like these have to be made on my own. Too often, far too often, I’ve consulted a million people and received like a million advices, and sometimes (not often though) even lived my life for something else going with the wind and going with the crowd.

but this time, I’m defying gravity.

I am defying gravity.  I need to pray and I need to pray and I need to pray. and this perseverance in prayer started yesterday! prayer is refreshing when I have silent hope and confidence in knowing that I pray to a God who is 1) good 2) faithful to answer. :] so pray with me, that I would continue to come before my God presenting my humble requests with all the bunch of confusions and sorting out my decision-making processes before the throne of the Most High. no where else will I go, only to the Throne, only to the throne I’d go.

& for once, for once in a long time, I have amazing courage to just let go, to just hold on to the possibilities of great dreams, to just let God be God, and though I am really not sure where I am going, fear does not line this heart, only great faith and hope. Only confidence rooted in who God is, which defines who I am. and for a long while, though things are not going as wonderfully well as I want it to be, and I struggle in my heart to just set persepectives right, I feel immense peace in knowing that God is in control.

& I will not be moved or shaken.
this heart, is not just about willing to give in to those lies.

pray with me.

How would you say in the most exciting of ways: I’d like to sincerely know you with all my heart, I want to grow a good healthy friendship with you, I want to know you though it might be hard sometimes, I want to be your friend, & be there when you need me. I want to hear about your life stories. I have a pair of hands that make relatively good baking goodies. Come over to Nourse 211A to have coffee/tea, cakes, brownies and yummy baking goodies with me. Because I have a coffeemaker, now :] & I hope you love african starbucks fairtrade coffee like I do. If not we can have something else, but please come by, please do. I want to talk to you. :]

(what a boring blog entry title)

its a laborious task when you try to run the right way. its like swimming against the current with no strength or energy whatsoever. It’s like being a sore thumb amongst people who think that having such a mindset is, weird? it’s like going right when everyone is turning left. it’s like feeling cold when everyone is feeling hot. its like, difficult, hard & painful.

but then, I considered my own question yesterday: “so really, Abigail, who are you living for?”

It’s such a hard question to answer because, Christ, which should be the genuine answer to my question would mean living a life that goes against the strong currents of this society. sometimes, I feel so demoralized, tired, and weary. Then, I remember often enough, that which a sister reminded me of:

“so who’s sitting on the throne of your heart?, Abigail or Christ, everyday, you have to die to self.”

I struggle mightily. but going the other way, though easy would reap results that would only be temporary and mighty meaningless. oh sigh.

in my discouraged state, oh my God, be thou my vision.

Waste another day; Brooke Fraser.

Don’t you say it’s too early
Baby I don’t wanna waste the day
When we’ve everything on our side
And nothing in our way

We can do what we wanna
‘Cos today the world is ours
Nothing gray, just real time and colour
In which to whittle away the hours

We could speak ’til nothing’s left unspoken
We could drive ’til we’ve run out of road
We could drink ’til we’ve emptied the ocean
But I’d be happy here
Happy just to hold you

[Chorus]
‘Til the suns and planets disappear
I could stay in your arms all year
Even if that means infinity through
If being producttive is being with you
Then baby I don’t want to waste another day

I’ll shout aloud what I’m feeling
Let my tongue be still no more
Now I know that it’s the real thing
Just try and keep me quiet about it
Oh…

‘Cos we could stare until we both are blinded
We could fall ’til gravity gets tired
We could lose our love just to re-find it
But I’m just happy here
Happy staying beside you

this weekend, I am going song-writing. so many words I want to say, but i think a melody would best express inner thoughts. It’s been some time, but well, I’d try. I’ve been trying for alot of things these few days any way. New ventures perhaps, and unchartered ground. Just what I’ve been praying for, but when it comes all I know how to do is shirk away in fear. the fear paralyzes me to the max, as past memories flood my mind. I have a mind of skeptic. skepticism rules my life. but not this time perhaps, with open hands I come before You. Only willing to do what is pleasing and not resist what You intend for me to learn. Even if it means to learn how to encounter brokenness and disappointment time again. Or even having to fight off my own sinful tendencies that sometimes eat me up inside. Learning to preach to myself when I get swayed by emotions or my sinful desires, and it has been an extremely exhausting week. But I’d continue try, because:

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians)

This shall be my only hope.

last few days has been extreme at the core of struggling through my weaknesses that has been evidently made known to me in many ways. But I have resigned to the fact, that I am not good nor excellent at the things that I want to be good and excellent at. And even that is part of God’s magnificent and spectacular plans. My shortcomings are part of His plan to bring me somewhere else. Perhaps, somewhere I in myself would not desire to be. But I walk by faith and not by sight, so let me hold on ever so tightly to the fact that My God is good, and let me continue to proclaim in the way I live my life, the redeeming work that He has begun in me. & I respond:

If I know or am good in nothing; let me only know how to love Christ with all my heart, and with all my soul, and with all my strength.

Give me a godly desire.